How to Overcome Anger

What anger is, the truth about it, and the problem with it

What anger is

Anger is a basic human emotion - as basic as feeling hungry, tired, loved, or lonely. It arises when we encounter something we perceive to be wrong. It reveals our concern for rightness fairness and justice. Anger is a response in us that says: that’s wrong and it matters.[1]

The root word for anger comes from an ancient word for nostril, because the nostrils were thought of as where anger happened (think of 😤 nostrils flaring = angry). Synonyms show the wide range of this emotion, they include: displeased annoyed irritated peeved miffed aggrevated resentful mad furious and raging.[2]

On the surface, anger looks like a red face (😡), enlarged nostrils, swollen neck veins, puffed chest, clenched fists.. Under the surface, the liver releases sugar into the bloodstream, the glands release andrenalin, the heart beats faster, breathing deepens, blood pressure rises, blood flow increases to the heart brain and muscles. Anger makes a lot of things happen in the body, in an instant.[3]

The truth about anger

Anger is one of the most fundamental problems in life, yet getting angry is neither right or wrong. In it’s plainest form anger is just information; it provides information that someone cares deeply about something. And the truth about anger is sometimes it is justified and sometimes it is not.[4]

It is justified when we face evils in this world that are worth getting upset about. It is not justified when we overreact to life and take things too personally. And it is never justified when we return evil for evil (as if two wrongs make a right, when we know two wrongs always make a situation worse).[5]

The problem with anger

The problem with anger is it often wants to attack and hurt. Another problem with anger is the longer it lingers the more it grows (from indifference to cruelty and hate). It grows into an ugly cycle: the more cruel you become, the more you hate, and the more you hate, the more cruel you become.[6]

Outbursts can also develop, which may initially calm a person but they usually lead to more outbursts and aggression (and they multiply: they are imitated by others if the outburst results are viewed as successful). They are dangerous and lead down a hellish path.[7]

Anger must be managed. Learning how to identify and walk through anger constructively is what we must do. Let’s unpack that now…

The two types of anger, and the goal of anger

The two types of anger

It’s important to understand the different types of anger. Scripture tells us there are two types: righteous (does good) and sinful (does bad). Anger is righteous when it rises slowly with reflection, seeks good, and acts properly to an offense. Anger is sinful when it rises too soon without reflection, seeks harm, and acts improperly to an offense.[8]

In Scripture, anger is a feeling of displeasure both man and God feel. In the case of man, it is usually quick and mean. In the case of God, it is not. God’s anger rises slowly, seeks mercy and goodness, and only after much provoking does it cut off evil.[9]

Unlike us, who are often emotional dams ready to break, God puts up with a lot. It takes much provoking to draw out his displeasure. He holds back anger while his mercy flows. We tend to think divine anger is quick and mercy is slow, but it’s the opposite: divine anger is slow, and divine mercy is quick and flows lavishly.[10]

Righteous anger is slow and controlled, it keeps anger in check for a long period of time, and allows it to subside or be expressed appropriately when the time is right.[11]

Righteous anger is love in action. Think about it: it is patient, it endures, it is long-suffering; it is not easily provoked or quick-tempered, it is not irritable or resentful; it addresses evil, it seeks good, it protects the thing it loves. This anger acts because it cares deeply. This is the type of anger we are to emulate.[12]

The goal of anger

The goal of anger is not hard to understand. Anger was designed by God to motivate us to take the right action against wrongdoing. Thus the goal of anger is to take action against wrong.[13]

Our task in life is to show self-control in the heat of the moment, and create something good out of something that feels bad. It is not easy but it gets easier with practice (like everything else in life).

We can see anger as an opportunity - to explore feelings, find understanding and experience goodness with others. We can respond to anger with creativity - by showing humor humility and compassion. We can channel anger into positive change - Gandhi and MLK were good examples of this.[14]

Learn to look closely at anger, recognize its patterns, identify appropriate responses. This process takes a little time but you can do it and it can be fun. Practicing a few simple habits is all it takes…

How to overcome anger

Be still

The best way to manage anger is delay.
When you feel anger rising take a moment to be still, breathe slow, think about it. The more you develop this method of delay before you react the more composed you’ll stay.[15]

Self-control is achieved by being still momentarily and using the power of a pause. You can keep your composure while everyone else loses theirs by simply being still. Pause breathe think, then react.

Speak softly

The best answer to anger is silence.
When you are treated harshly, do not respond harshly. Swallowing angry words before you say them is better than having to eat them afterwards.[16]

Be smart with your response: slow the pace and lower the temperature. Slow the pace by speaking slower and using pauses (soundless space fosters grace). Lower the temperature by speaking softer and gentler (it will disarm your opponent).

Be wise with your response: a gentle answer stops anger, but harsh words ignite tempers. Be slow to speak, and speak softly when you do.[17]

Change words

Change the intensity of words used.
Choose less intense words in the heat of the moment to help control the anger level (see Intro > Synonyms; use mellower words whenever you can).

Instead of saying you’re mad/furious/raging, use cooler phrases like: I’m a bit annoyed, or I’m a little irritated, or I’m not happy about.. It gets feelings out in the open without excessively attacking another.[18]

Similarly, if someone is sharing anger with you, repeat them so they feel heard (say something like: so if I’m hearing you correctly, you’re feeling not happy about..), get confirmation (Is that correct?), and add affirmation (I don’t blame you, I imagine I’d feel the same as you if I was in your position) — This approach of listening, repeating and affirming gets you on the same side, so you can move toward a solution together.[19]

Find a solution

Feelings come from the heart and tell you the state of a relationship. If there's anger then there's a problem that needs solving. Anger lets you know there’s a problem but it doesn’t solve the problem. Focus on the problem. Direct anger toward problems not people, toward solutions not blame.[20]

To solve the problem, ask questions like: What is this anger really about? Is there a rule or standard that has been violated? How can we fix this without it happening again? 🤔 — Keep cool and remember what anger really is: an opportunity to come together. It’s honest and uncomfortable but to make right what is wrong is the most satisfying work in the world.[21]

When anger says there’s a problem, you say let’s fix it. 😃

Let it go

Guilt resentment and bitterness are poison. Let them go or they will slowly rob steal and kill you on the inside, and they will keep you from the good things you want and deserve.

GUILT — is anger directed at ourselves, at what we did or did not do. We must accept the choices we’ve made that can’t be undone, or it will rob our future.[22]

RESENTMENT — is anger directed at others, at what they did or did not do. It makes us feel superior yet it depresses us, and it sneaks into other relationships and steals joy.[23]

BITTERNESS — is unfulfilled revenge; it is created when the revenge we want is not satisfied to the degree we desire. It eats at the heart and mind, slowly killing both.[24]

Don’t hold onto these terrible feelings. Let them go or they will twist and destroy you. Let them go so you can be free to love, enjoy the present, and build your future.

Pray

It is hard to stay angry at someone if you are praying for them, so pray for your enemies. Nowhere is service more necessary than when we serve our enemies, and the easiest service is prayer.[25]

Anger is rooted in pride and must be managed daily. It is managed through prayer and meditation on Scripture. This removes hate, and God is not with those who hate - they walk in darkness and know not where they go because darkness has blinded them.[26]

Avoid the darkness, walk in the light. Release your enemies to God and let him handle them so you can focus on better things. Pray for their good and watch how good things supernaturally start to appear in your life.

In summary, anger is a basic emotion that is neither right or wrong, it is what we do with anger (good or bad) that makes it right or wrong. Our task in life is to learn to channel anger into something good.

Habits that overcome anger include: being still, speaking softly, changing the intensity of words, focusing on the problem and finding a solution, letting go of bad feelings, and praying for our enemies.

You know, life never goes as we wish. We all have to face things we wish we didn't have to. It’s been said: life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it. It's not what happens but what we do with what happens that counts.[27]

Do we use challenges in life to grow and mature into better people? … Maturity does not come easily, but our target is maturity: to reach the ability to work through problems and create something good out of them. That is the target. That is the goal. Aim for that.[28]

No matter where you are on your journey, you can overcome anger. Simply repeat these steps, and never give up.

Books

. Boundaries — Cloud · Grds Ama

. How to Win.. — Carnegie · Grds Ama

. Unoffendable — Hansen · Grds Ama

. Forgive.. How? — Keller · Grds Ama

. Anger: Taming.. — Chapman · Grds Ama

. Good and Angry — Powlison · Grds Ama

. Gentle and Lowly — Ortlund · Grds Ama

. The Bait of Satan — Bevere · Grds Ama

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